Dear Santa Clause
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: The Warriors all write desperate letters to Santa Clause. It quickly becomes as ridiculous as you can imagine. Silly series of letters, including references to mothership title games. Have a holly jolly Christmas filled with light and annihilation!


**This was a bit of a rush job, even though I planned it months ago, since I've been busy writing a book and making a close friend of mine a mug for Christmas, but enjoy! If it seems weird at times, bear in mind I was playing the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas special in the background while writing. The letters go in order by game, hero to villain, and Cloud of Darkness has no letter, sorry... **

**Anyways, I don't own Dissidia!**

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

Hey, it's been awhile! I haven't written to you since...well, last year, when all you got me was moldy fruitcake. It was a nice doorstopper for awhile, but come on... Anyway, since I've been a good boy about not constantly calling my old man a sloppy drunk and keeping my whining to a minimum (Firion and Cecil are reading over my shoulder, and they're laughing for some reason...), I think I deserve a better present this year, so here goes...

I want symmetrical pants, first off! Everyone here has clothes with even pant legs, so I've been the butt of everyone's jokes (shut up, Squall, you look like a member of an 80s glam band). Second of all, I could really use a makeover. The other warriors keep saying I look like this one chick named Meg Ryan, whoever that is, so I'm starting to worry...it's no laughing matter!

So please make my Christmas a good one! Thanks, pal!

Sincerely, Tidus, STAR PLAYER OF THE ZANARKAND ABES

* * *

Hey Santa,

Be a darlin' and get me some Jack.

From Captain Jecht!

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

I know I've had my ups and downs regarding my morality (in my defense, I didn't know that Burmecian in Treno with the green stilettos and gold lipstick was a drag queen), but ever since I laid eyes (and hands) on the lovely Queen Garnet, I've been sailing well. So please, please grant me this single Christmas wish.

It's a selfless desire too, it doesn't even revolve around me. It's about my brother Kuja. You see...well, if you've ever laid eyes upon him, you'll know where I'm coming from: he dresses like a tramp, but he doesn't believe that a purple man-thong and just a cropped purple and gold jacket are at all feminine, and add that to his ridiculous hourglass figure...

All right, I suppose I better make things straight: I want you to give Kuja a sex change. That's a pretty big wish, but hey, I saved the world, turned into a pink monkey and made death personified get vaporized by energy beams, and outraced a tree to save my sissy of a brother, I deserve this!

It makes sense from a logical standpoint: Kuja can still wear the clothes he likes, and I don't have to have an embarrassment for a sibling!

Yours truly,

Zidane Tribal, Master Thief, Grand Thespian, and Sexy Ladies Man Who Is Now Taken But Is Still Nice To Have a Gander At

* * *

Dearest Santa Clause,

It has come to my glorious attention that no one amongst the ranks of Chaos respects my villainous beauty. At first I believed they were envious of my gorgeous visage, but then Ultimecia pointed out how I didn't do anything. It's absurd! I demand a certificate of villainy, now bring one to me!

Sincerely,

Kuja, the Only Villain Who Actually Succeeded

* * *

Santa Clause,

Don't bring me anything, I don't want anything. I don't enjoy anything.

-Squall

* * *

Santa Clause,

I am not particularly wanting anything this year...except a few items of Squall Leonheart memorabilia. Don't let it slip, it has nothing to do with his absurd good looks or his impeccable fashion sense, but I would enjoy a Squall doll...or a pillowcase. For villainy.

Yours Truly,

Ultimecia

* * *

Hey Santa,

How have you been? First I want to ask for you to help out Tifa and everyone else at home (just don't give Yuffie Materia...never again). As for me, this may be an embarrassment, but...um...the Chocobos are at it again. You know what I mean. They want the hanky-panky. With me. Because of my stupid hair. Can you get me some of that Chocobo repellant I asked for last year? I really don't enjoy having a Chocobo drumstick up my rear, if you know what I mean.

Thanks,

Cloud Strife, Fake SOLDIER First Class

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

This year I am asking for new hair care products that resist fire. Last time I tried walking through a glorious blazing inferno, my hair ended up looking like a silver version of Sazh Katzroy's afro. Bring me anti-frizz shampoo (lavender scented is preferred) or I'll tell my Mother on you.

Sincerely,

Sephiroth, Real SOLDIER First Class

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

I'm not asking for much this year, all I'd really like is world peace, a wonderful holiday for my old and new friends, and for Kefka to burn in hell! Hehehe, thank you, and I hope the first Christmas I can remember is fun!

Sincerely,

Terra Branford (If you don't torch Kefka I'll do it myself, don't worry!)

* * *

Clausey Pal,

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey there, Santa Baby! Incinerations aside, I've been absolutely FANTASTIC this year, so be a friend and nab me a cute little girl! Little Esper Terra would be fun, I heard she's a tasty morsel, and if I can't have her then that hot chick on our side would work. Name was Kuja or something. Mmm, she had a fine pair of legs.

Yours Truly,

The Magniiiiificent Kefka!

* * *

Dear Santa,

Zidane keeps calling me Butts for some reason! Make it stop!

Yours truly,

BARTZ Klauser of the Wind Crystal

* * *

Santa Clause,

I am not in need of much this year! Other than the prevailing of the VOID, all I ask for is the annihilation of the TURTLES and extra fertilizer! With all this fighting, there is little time for the splendid art of photosynthesis!

Sincerely,

Exdeath

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season. I'd like for you to first make sure Rosa and everyone back in Baron are happy, and after that...This will be a bit silly coming from me, but since I'm the Dark Knight of Baron, I'd really like my own version of the Batmobile. All Dark Knights need them, I don't care if Batman had no powers like mine. You don't even have to call it the Batmobile, it can be the Paladinmobile...maybe I shouldn't name things. The last thing I named was my son, and everyone aside from Brother is telling me it's a foolish name. Those spoony bards!

Sincerely,

Cecil Harvey of Baron

* * *

Santa Clause:

I am not deserving of any gifts from anyone, let alone you. All I ask is that you bring an end to his war and watch over Cecil. This is all I wish for.

Sincerely,

Golbez, The Only One To Wish For Something Serious and Practical

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

So I've got a fantastic idea that I'd like a little help with, Santa! See, for some reason everyone's been calling me the Onion Knight...yet my name's Luneth. And I'd really like to not be named after just one vegetable, let alone a smelly one...so make my name more recognized! Or, even better, perhaps a grander title is in order. How does the Carrot Knight sound? ...No? ...The Rutabaga Knight? How about the Melon Knight or something? ...No, not those kinds of melons!

Sincerely,

Luneth the Onion Knight

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

WHERE IS MY DAMN WORLD OF WILD ROSES?!

-Firion, missing his flowers (Tidus, stop it with the "deflowered" jokes!)

* * *

Santa Clause,

My royal visage has suddenly been outshone by that Kuja woman's fabulosity. I demand more! So, to maximize my flambuoyant gorgeousness, I demand you fetch me David Bowie's outfit from The Labyrinth. The King of Goblins is close enough to the King of Hell! UNGAAAAAH!

-His Royal Highness Emperor David Bowie Palamecia, the Most Fabulous of All

* * *

Dear Santa Clause,

First of all, I thank you for your kindness and generosity toward those with light in their hearts. Your goodwill is commendable, and we all applaud your efforts. Now...down to business...

Why don't I have a name?

Everybody else has a name! Tidus, Zidane, Squall, Cloud, Terra, Butz, Cecil, Onion, and Firion. Granted, half of them are stupid names, but they still have a name! The Warrior of Light is just a mouthful! ...Can't I have real name? Stan, Roy, I'm awfully fond of Bartholomew, anything! I can't take this anymore, I'm going insane.

Sincerely,

The Warrior of Hopeless Anonymity

* * *

SIR CLAUSE,

FRUITCAKE, SAME AS LAST YEAR.

FROM THE MAN WHO HATES THOSE WHO ENJOY PUNS BY PLACING GARLAND ON HIS HORNS

* * *

"It's...fruitcake..." Tidus drawled, staring at his lone present in disappointment.

Jecht hurled his cake to the ground and groaned. "Doesn't taste spiked, either!"

Zidane walked into the room, closely inspected Kuja's chest, and howled in dismay. "Aww come on, you're still a man?! ...Well, sort of a man!"

"Well excuuuuuse me, Princess!" Kuja huffed, crossing his arms.

Squall, meanwhile, was sobbing in the corner, his eyeliner running down his cheeks. "I asked for nothing...why did I get a present? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS."

Terra sympathetically patted him on the back. "Cheer up, Squall...would me incinerating Kefka make you feel happier?"

"Do it!" the newly named Fruitcake Knight and Warrior of Fruitcake both chimed in.

Cloud examined his fruitcake closely, his face warped by consternation. "...I don't get it, why did we all get the same exact gift?"

* * *

"This is why I don't let you be in charge of Santa duty for the warriors," Cosmos sighed, stealing the Christmas letters from Chaos's clawed grasp.

"BUT I DELIGHT IN THEIR MISERY," Chaos pouted adorably.


End file.
